Harry’s Birthday

Birthday_candles

I wake early and with a sense of excitement, my blood singing in my ears.

What, what day is it? I can’t find myself. Is it Christmas? The first day of the holidays? My birthday?

I feverishly run through a list of dates in my head, searching for the puzzle piece.

Valentines Day, Thanksgiving, New Years Eve…

Then I remember, and my excitement fades away to nothing.

Today is Harry’s birthday.

Memories float to the surface of my mind. This day, repeated back through my life; of cake and candles, of parties and presents. Of his choppy blonde hair, of his obsession with tractors. His swing set in the garden. The love I saw in his eyes when he looked at me.

Of him, toddling around the house, creating wonderful chaos. Without him everything is so cold and echoing.

When will this pain heal? When will this hurt fade? Not yet – it’s still too fresh a wound.

But, one year, I want to be able to wake up on this day and only see the loveliest of lives… and not the hole he left behind.

Goodnight Kiss

Boy in bed

A young child waits alone in the dark
His duvet pulled up to his chin
He waits for his goodnight kiss
But his mother forgot about him.

He can hear her voice, drifting upstairs
She giggles, gossips, drinks tea
And while her son waits alone in the dark
She laughs, obliviously

While upstairs her son is alone in the dark
Thinking, “She doesn’t love me.”

One Swing Too Far

The little boy swung backwards and forwards on the swing, urging it higher and higher. The trees flashed past, then the leaf strewn ground, then a patch of clear grey-blue sky. Backwards, forwards. Fast enough to make his head spin. So fast he couldn’t tell which way was up anymore.

He kicked out with his legs, using them to pull, to push, to pull himself further into the sky. If he went far enough, he could forget everything. If he swung high enough, he would be free. He could slip off the swing, up into the grey-blue sky, and fly like a bird. Up, up, all the way up. In the grey-blue sky, surrounded by nothing but empty air, he might finally find peace.

He pushed himself higher, swinging in a great arch. His wide, happy blue eyes reflected the sky. Higher and higher, back and forth. His head was up in the clouds, his soul lost in the vast emptiness of the heavens.

At the highest point of his arch, he slid off the swing. His small body flew up, just like he imagined it would. For a brief moment, the happiest of his life, he was truly free. He was suspended in the heavens, arms and legs spread-eagled; like someone had paused him mid-way through a star jump. His young face wore an expression of pure joy.

But everyone has to come down to earth sooner or later.

Gravity dug its harsh claws into his body and dragged him back down to earth. He tumbled over himself, falling through the air like a puppet with its strings severed. The look of joy turned to fear and then horror as the rock hard ground rose up to meet him.

He bounced once and then his body lay still. One of his arms was bent back at an unnatural angle. He lay on his back, his blue eyes were wide open… and his soul still floating in the vast emptiness of the heavens.

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